Going Green… Eyed

I like my life.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for everything I have and everything that I’ve been given.  I have food, shelter, people who love me… I know that I could be a lot worse off, and I know that there are people out there with a lot less than I have.  However, I’d be lying if I said that I’ve never been envious of someone with “more than I have” in my life.  Jealousy, whether we care to admit it, is something that we’ve all felt… Whether it be through an ugly thought, a little moment of self-doubt, or an actual action.  I refuse to believe that there’s someone reading this who can genuinely, honestly admit to themselves that they have never, in their lives felt what it’s like to be jealous.

It’s an intriguing emotion and probably one of the most commonly hated and vilified by our society in general.  It’s portrayed as ugly and negative, depicted as a “green eyed monster” (Which personally, apart from the monster part doesn’t seem like an issue to me… I love green eyes).  It’s this portrayal that has led to the emotion being a guilt-ridden one, but I don’t think it necessarily has to be a bad thing.  The way I see it, the emotion itself isn’t bad.  You can’t help how you feel… It’s how you take the emotion and act on it that determines how monstrous it really is.

“She got a better grade than me.”

As a sixth form student, the above can be one of the worst thoughts to float around my head.  It’s not that I expect to get the best grade out of everyone in every class I’m in.  I know my weaknesses, and I’m not an arrogant person… If I do get the highest mark in something my initial reaction is usually shock.  But sometimes I still feel a little bit of a pang (I’d say 30% jealousy, 70% self-doubt), wishing that I could be as smart as that person, and think the way that they think.  It’s a desire that we’re conditioned to act on: we want to be successful, (and often, we want to be the most successful).  However, this need to be the best, or at least better, is sometimes the fuel that we need to try harder and study more and get that success for ourselves.  It’s only when this envy turns to hatred and you actively try and suck away somebody else’s happiness that you’ve created a monster. (Excuse the literature reference… I’m a little geeky, it will probably happen a lot).

“When did they become such good friends…? She was my friend first…”

I know that it sounds like the musings of a primary school student but possessive jealousy is way more common than you’d think.  Again, I’m not talking about actually acting upon it, but the thought itself is rather popular.  It’s simple really: You have a friend, you get close to that friend, then you watch as they start getting close to another friend… Even though they may still include you, sometimes you can’t help but get a little green on the inside, wishing that you had that closeness to yourself.  It’s rarely acted upon (except for TV shows where it often escalates and before you know it angsty chaos ensues), and often it’s a thought that you keep to yourself, that eventually subsides.  Honestly, I feel like it’s less of a jealousy thing and more of a fear of being left behind… There’s always the worry that they’ll become closer than you ever were with either of them, bringing us back to the want for something that somebody else has.

I think the thing that makes jealousy such a burden is the fear and insecurity attached to it.  The real problem isn’t that you feel jealous, it’s that you worry that you’ll never have anything close to what your jealousy is causing you to seek.  I have times when envious thoughts pop into my head, and they can be really ugly… I mean, I wouldn’t confess them to anyone.  It’s not that I want to think them, I just can’t control my instinctive thoughts.  I never act on them, but sometimes I still worry that they make me a mean person.  Over time I’ve come to realise that I don’t think them because I want to be mean, I think them because I have days where I doubt that I’m capable of anything.  We’re all our own toughest critics.  Jealousy is basically our way of doing the whole “Why aren’t you more like them?” thing.

Read, comment, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember, we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!