Dreading Disappointment…

I am a people pleaser. 

I’m not gonna try and deny it, or justify it.  It’s not a good way to live but it’s also not the worst way to live, and as much as people preach self-love and large pop icons have made the whole “sassy empowered woman” thing cool, I really care what other people think of me, and what I can do to make them feel better.  However, this coupled with my obsession with perfection can often lead to disastrous consequences.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a lot of the things that I do, and I do them because I want to do them, however the fact that they may please someone also often becomes the principle cause of my motivation.  I work so hard in school so that my parents have a daughter to be proud of, I spend ages planning super personal birthday presents so people feel special and appreciated, I have a job and earn my own money so that my parents don’t have to support me as much, I take part in school activities so that they feel like I’m contributing… The list goes on and on.  And I’ve always thought that my biggest fear was death, but after recent events I’ve realised that it’s not, it is disappointment.

They say that you’re your own worst critic but honestly I’ve never met a bigger bully than myself when it comes to anything to do with me.  If I do badly in a test or make a bad decision it hits me hard… But not because I aspire to be perfect or the best or anything, because of the fear that now somebody’s gonna be disappointed in me. 

If I fail my A-levels, yeah obviously I’ll be gutted that I didn’t get into Uni, but the people pleaser in me is going to be more gutted that my teachers believed in me and I didn’t deliver, or that my parents gave me every chance to succeed in life and I blew it all.  Because in my opinion, the way that your choices affect others is just as important as the way that your choices affect you (Probably the one point of Preference Utilitarianism that I agree with).

Some stuff happened recently (Today in fact) that really got me thinking about my fear of letting others down, and I realised during the day that no matter how hard you mess up, try and cut people off, conceal yourself away, build your palace of ice (or whatever your less sassy Disney equivalent is), there are always gonna be those few people who are there for you no matter what.  Those people that don’t get angry at you for being a bitch because they know that you need to temporarily lash out and won’t take it personally, or those people who can see that you’re suffering, even if you don’t explicitly tell them.  And often these people can be the people that you least expect.

I am so thankful for those few people that exist in my life and honestly I don’t think I could have made it through today, or many other days without them.  I hope that everyone has people like them in their lives or is able to be like that for somebody else.

So next time your friend/family member is lashing out and being a nightmare, or silently sitting in a classroom slightly quivering, show them compassion, genuinely care, no matter how hard it may be.  Odds are they need it more than you think.

Read, comment, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember, we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!

Assessing Appearances…

When I left secondary school I was really excited about the fact that I suddenly would be able to wear my own clothes to school and leave my uniform behind.  Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t the worst uniform in the world (although we did have bright blue kilts…) but I was happy that I could finally wear clothes that flattered me in ways that I wanted.

In year 11 I went through a stage of drastically losing weight… I mean I was never size zero skinny, but I wasn’t exactly the epitome of health.  It wasn’t because I exercised loads or was incredibly fit or anything, I simply stopped eating as well as I should have because I became so wrapped up in the fact that it is very easy to compare people’s sizes when you are all wearing the same thing.  As I began sixth form this became less of a problem however as I started to feel a lot more comfortable I started to realise that the allowance of makeup meant that the majority of girls looked beautifully air brushed all the time.

I’ve always been kind of blessed with relatively good skin; I think it’s due to the fact I don’t particularly like sweets and I drink a lot of water.  So with the right exfoliator, cleanser and moisturiser plus the occasional face mask, my face remained relatively clear and lip gloss and eyeliner were the extent of my morning makeup routine.  However, the more I looked at girls at school the more I realised how amazingly pretty they all looked in makeup.  Clear skin was no longer enough… I needed to have no bags under my eyes, the perfect smooth complexion, an even tone throughout my skin, natural but slightly coloured eyelids, matte but evenly coloured lips… the list went on and on.  I slowly invested in more and more makeup (I mean… I still rarely wear it, but at least I own it), and I became more obsessed with the flaws on my face, some of which I couldn’t help.  My nose felt flatter, my cheeks seemed too red, my forehead too big, my overall face shape too fat and I couldn’t help but hate my absence of cheek bones.

Recently on two separate occasions I’ve had to wear the same dress as many other girls and in both cases I couldn’t help but being consumed in how much more I resembled a potato in comparison to everyone else.  It was like all my uniform fears came back and I noticed everything about me that I hated; the size of my thighs and my wideness.  It’s affected me a lot recently but it’s caused me to really think about how we as a society define “beauty”.

Recently I’ve been binge watching a lot of TV series’ (revision procrastination at its finest).  At the moment I’m watching the OC, before that it was 90210 and before that it was Gossip Girl and each time I haven’t been able to help the fact that I look at the girls and these shows and aspire to have their thin bodies.  Every single one of them looks perfect in everything they wear (which I understand they have costume designers for… but their bodies probably help) and I can’t help but have it bum me out a little.  However, then when I occasionally watch old kids shows like That’s So Raven and Lizzie McGuire, it’s refreshing to look at how the girls aren’t necessarily “plus size” but are average and slightly curly, and they’re not addressed as “big girls” or “curvy girls” but viewed normally.  Through watching TV shows from different years you can actually see how body image has changed over time; we went from a stage where the weight of actors wasn’t necessarily important, to a phase of stick thinness being the norm, to now where we have the celebrated “plus sized girls” and then the slim toned beautiful girls, and I find it interesting how in each of these time periods, these girls were the trendsetters, and the beauty that teens in particular aspired to.

We’re in a time at the moment that’s a lot more tolerant and accepting towards everything, and we’re often preached at by friends, teachers, adverts and parents that “everyone is beautiful and beauty is subjective”, however there are people that the majority tend to agree are just a lot prettier than others, so what is it that allows us to view them as that much more beautiful?  As someone’s that frequently struggles with liking their appearance I personally try not to judge others and I try to never negatively judge anyone’s appearance… I feel like in general this happens a lot less nowadays.  However, when celebrating the beauty of others I find myself wishing I could be that pretty and this can often be self-deprecating.

I didn’t want this post to end up being an “everyone is beautiful, you should love yourself” kind of post because from someone who has little to no self-confidence I find that this is easier said than done.  I just think that we need to stop comparing ourselves to others.  You may find many of their qualities redeeming, but hey, you probably have many redeeming qualities as well.

One of my favourite quotes (I have quite a few, I’m sorry I feel like I talk about quotes that I love a lot), comes from ‘The Red Band Society’, a TV show that got cancelled way before it’s time:

“Luck isn’t getting what you want. It’s about surviving what you don’t want”

I feel like in this day and age, most people have something that they dislike about themselves, but sometimes try as you may you can’t change it.  Embrace your “flaws”, work with them, and make them your special features.  It’s not about being the best looking, it’s about having the confidence in yourself to know you look good.  Because usually if you can believe it, others start to believe it too.

Read, comment, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember, we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!

Accelerated Ageing…

Growing up has always been one of those things I wanted to do.  5 year old me couldn’t wait to be 10, 10 year old me couldn’t wait to be 16, and 16 year old me couldn’t wait to be 18.  And yet, now I’m 2 weeks away from being an adult I wish I could cling on to my childhood and my life of no responsibility and a billion second chances.  But as much as I wish it, I can’t.  We’re all growing up, maturing whether we can feel it or not. 

I’ve just come back from a week at a summer school, pretending to go to University for a week.  It was great; I made amazing friends, actually improved my French skills and confidence immensely, even explored activities I wouldn’t usually explore.  But I’d be lying if I said that the whole experience didn’t terrify me a little… (Or a lot…)

You see, at the end of the week we had this “mini graduation” ceremony.  It was amazingly cute; we got gowns, scrolls, a ceremony, the whole shebang… and I couldn’t help but feel extremely old.  I mean, yeah, I was only playing a Uni student for a few moments, but at one point I looked at the people around me, and the hall I was in and the scroll I was clutching and I remembered where I was this time a year ago.

I feel exactly the same, but it’s not until I look at what I’ve done in the last school year that I realise how much I’ve actually changed.  I went away from home, four hours away from home, by myself to a summer school where I knew absolutely no one.  I had no friends by my side, no family, and a year ago that would have absolutely terrified me.  This time last year no way would I have written a blog!  This time last year I wouldn’t have let my closest friends read anything that I’d written at all.  Last summer I vowed to do so much, but the odds are this time last year I was lounging on a sofa, thinking about what the next year would bring and binging on Netflix.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve still watched a ridiculous amount of Netflix this summer.  However, I’ve also gone out and done work experience, written an academic essay, hung out with my friends, done 2 summer schools and applied for and started a part-time job.  It only began occurring to me when I looked at that scroll in my hand, that without even trying to I’ve grown older and I’ve matured.  I don’t feel very different at all, and I think often as teenagers we discredit ourselves and believe that we haven’t made any progress at all.  I’m pretty sure, regardless of your age, if any of you look back and what you’d done a year ago and what you’ve done now, you’ll realise that you’ve done a lot more than you give yourself credit for.

Even if it’s nothing physical, look at the person you were a year ago compared to the person you are now.  Are you more confident?  More reserved?  More self-assured?  More mature?  I guarantee you there will be something.

We should be proud of the people that we’ve become, but we should never forget the people that we’ve come from.  As sung in one of my favourite musicals: “There’s pride in my heart because I know where I’m going, but I know where I’ve been”.  Never forget the spirit you had as a 10 year old, or that ridiculous confidence you had when you were 5.  Hold on to it all.  Use it to grow.  Let it help mould you.

Yeah, we’re ageing.  But that doesn’t mean we still can’t be kids from time to time.   

Read, comment, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember, we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!

Constantly Changing…

  
So I’m writing this from a train (which is pretty cool because I’m listening to music and typing away as the locations outside my window change quickly and I feel like a writer in a movie) on my way to Durham.  I don’t know if it’s my current location, or the fact that I’m about to spend a week from home in somewhere I’ve never been before with no family, friends, or anyone I know at all, but something really got me thinking about change.

If you had to describe yourself in 3 words what would they be? 

Would you have to think about it? Go on some long journey of self discovery?  Or would you just know? Theoretically we should all know exactly who we are, considering that, you know, we’re ourselves, but in life it’s never that easy. 

When I was younger, I used to really love first days of school. Not because I was a geek (which, I’ll be honest I kind of was but that’s beside the point), I used to love them because each new year felt like a fresh start. I’d be in a new year at school, have different teachers, different books, different folders, a different timetable, I used to feel like with all that change I had the chance to be as different as I wanted to be.  However, now, when I look back and think about it I wonder why I needed a new year to feel like I could be whoever I wanted. 

It’s a common notion; I mean, with every New Year’s Eve comes the trending #newyearnewme hashtag… We seem to mark the times of the year where it’s acceptable for us to change and be who we want to be.  But, when you think about it, we control ourselves.  We should be able to be who we want to be whenever we want to.  So yeah, this week away gives me a fresh start with new people, but that doesn’t mean that it’s a chance for me to radically change who I am.  If I want change, I should be able to whenever I want.  

If you’ve ever seen a Romantic Comedy, the odds are that you’ve seen a female protagonist panic and struggle because she doesn’t know who she is, or what her label in high school is.  I’m not gonna lie, I love watching RomComs, I could watch them all day, but I would be lying if I said that they didn’t have their flaws in terms of the messages that they give.  It’s okay to not know exactly who you are or where you belong.  If I had to describe myself in three words I don’t think I’d be able to without some serious thought.  I have no idea what clique I’d belong to in a teenage high school movie, to be honest I don’t think I’d be able to label myself with a stereotypical role in any of those movies either.  Why? Because we’re always changing, whether it be physically or emotionally. 
Aquinas (an old Philospher) argued in his First Way that we are in a constant state of motion, moving from a state of actuality, to potentiality, to actuality etc.  It sounds more complicated than it is, but it’s easy to wrap your head around if you think of an example, like a saucepan.  When you heat a saucepan, it goes from being potentially hot, to actually being hot, to being potentially cold, to being actually cold.  At the moment we’re all who we are, but we have the potential to be a different version of ourselves, if we want to be because we’re constantly changing.

In my room I have a cork board by my desk where I pin photos, reminders and cute postcards and things I like. My favourite thing on my corkboard at the moment is a postcard that I found when I was out shopping in Lomdon with my friends one time.  It says: Some want it to happen, others wish it would happen, and some go out and make it happen.  Whatever we do, we should always strive to be those who go out and make things happen.  At the end of the day, if you want better for yourself, or you want to be known/noticed for something, you’re the only one that can make it happen.  Regardless of the time of year, or your circumstances, there’s always time for change.

Read, comment, and don’t take anything personally. Remember, we’re all still forming opinions. Byeeeee!

Screaming Silence…

As summer kicks off so do the (even later than usual) late nights, and the lengthy philosophical 2am Whatsapp group discussions, and something really struck me today.

“The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.”

-Charles Bukowski

I read this quote a couple of years ago in a book, and back then, yeah, I thought it was nice and “deep” on a philosophical level, but I don’t think I fully realised how true it is until now.  Have you ever been in a situation where you’re debating an issue that you’re truly passionate about with facts and logic and evidence, and the person on the opposing side refuses to even acknowledge that what you’re saying could have some meaning?  They brush aside your validity to keep their pride and be the “winner”, and turn a topic that you’re serious about into a joke, or “banter” that you took too seriously.  You’re left with two basic options, and neither of them are particularly favourable:

1. Keep communicating your view, knowing that they’re never going to even consider what you’re saying, which will end up frustrating you until you can no longer take it. Or;
2. Give up. Stop speaking, and listen to the obnoxiously untrue “that’s right, stop talking!  You know I’m right” jeer that follows.

One of the biggest lies that people like that force themselves to believe is that you stopped talking because you had nothing else to say.  I don’t know about you, but for me that generally isn’t the case.  Ever.  I like debate.  I like logic.  I like facts.  If I think that I have a good leg to stand on, and facts and logic to prove my point I could argue it forever.  But with some people, it’s just not worth it.  Charles Bukowski was really onto something.  When I look at the person that I was when I was 12 and I look at the person that I am now, I can see that there’s a huge difference in the willingness that I have when it comes to proving that I’m right.  It seems like, overtime the ignorance of others has shrouded my confidence when it comes to fighting for what I believe in.  It’s not that I’ve become shy or I have no belief in myself anymore, because the tenacity is still there.  I mean, give me a formal debate or a courtroom and I’d be in it to win it.  But with arguments with certain people, I’ve come to the conclusion that knowing that I’m doing the right thing, even if I’m the only one that believes it, has to be good enough. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way saying that anyone that ever disagrees with me is “ignorant” or “not worth arguing with”, because I will happily have lively debates with my friends for hours (and we do sometimes… it’s weirdly cool).  If someone opposes my view, I’ll listen to their reasons why and consider them.  It’s when people won’t do the same for me, and will only listen to their points, regardless of what anyone else says that I begin to wonder if there’s a point to trying with that person.  The more that I think about it, the more that I realise that Charles Bukowski was really onto something with that quote.  It seems that the ignorant are more willing to shout their views over everyone, as opposed to those that have views that may actually be worth sharing, but are too scared/tired of being shot down to share them.

And if you ask me, it’s terrible how often this happens.  We all know that everybody deserves to be heard, but even more importantly: everybody deserves to have their opinions acknowledged and considered.  Next time you’re in a heated discussion, stop and think about whether you’re actually registering the other side’s point of view, or whether you’re dismissing them to get to your own points.  Because sometimes it’s an easy trap to fall into.

Finally, don’t mistake someone’s silence as weakness.  Sometimes it’s exhaustion from arguing but not being appreciated, or realising that their ideas can’t be seen through the surrounding smoke of stupidity.  Sometimes, silence speaks a lot louder than words, but if your silence can shout, let your words scream the message you want to get across.  It’s time to do Bukowski proud and abandon that doubt and let yourself be heard.

What are your views?  Is the silence justifiable or should you fight until you’re frustrating and losing it, purely because you know that you’re arguing the right way and you need to teach someone what that way is?

Read, please comment, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember, we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!

Going Green… Eyed

I like my life.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for everything I have and everything that I’ve been given.  I have food, shelter, people who love me… I know that I could be a lot worse off, and I know that there are people out there with a lot less than I have.  However, I’d be lying if I said that I’ve never been envious of someone with “more than I have” in my life.  Jealousy, whether we care to admit it, is something that we’ve all felt… Whether it be through an ugly thought, a little moment of self-doubt, or an actual action.  I refuse to believe that there’s someone reading this who can genuinely, honestly admit to themselves that they have never, in their lives felt what it’s like to be jealous.

It’s an intriguing emotion and probably one of the most commonly hated and vilified by our society in general.  It’s portrayed as ugly and negative, depicted as a “green eyed monster” (Which personally, apart from the monster part doesn’t seem like an issue to me… I love green eyes).  It’s this portrayal that has led to the emotion being a guilt-ridden one, but I don’t think it necessarily has to be a bad thing.  The way I see it, the emotion itself isn’t bad.  You can’t help how you feel… It’s how you take the emotion and act on it that determines how monstrous it really is.

“She got a better grade than me.”

As a sixth form student, the above can be one of the worst thoughts to float around my head.  It’s not that I expect to get the best grade out of everyone in every class I’m in.  I know my weaknesses, and I’m not an arrogant person… If I do get the highest mark in something my initial reaction is usually shock.  But sometimes I still feel a little bit of a pang (I’d say 30% jealousy, 70% self-doubt), wishing that I could be as smart as that person, and think the way that they think.  It’s a desire that we’re conditioned to act on: we want to be successful, (and often, we want to be the most successful).  However, this need to be the best, or at least better, is sometimes the fuel that we need to try harder and study more and get that success for ourselves.  It’s only when this envy turns to hatred and you actively try and suck away somebody else’s happiness that you’ve created a monster. (Excuse the literature reference… I’m a little geeky, it will probably happen a lot).

“When did they become such good friends…? She was my friend first…”

I know that it sounds like the musings of a primary school student but possessive jealousy is way more common than you’d think.  Again, I’m not talking about actually acting upon it, but the thought itself is rather popular.  It’s simple really: You have a friend, you get close to that friend, then you watch as they start getting close to another friend… Even though they may still include you, sometimes you can’t help but get a little green on the inside, wishing that you had that closeness to yourself.  It’s rarely acted upon (except for TV shows where it often escalates and before you know it angsty chaos ensues), and often it’s a thought that you keep to yourself, that eventually subsides.  Honestly, I feel like it’s less of a jealousy thing and more of a fear of being left behind… There’s always the worry that they’ll become closer than you ever were with either of them, bringing us back to the want for something that somebody else has.

I think the thing that makes jealousy such a burden is the fear and insecurity attached to it.  The real problem isn’t that you feel jealous, it’s that you worry that you’ll never have anything close to what your jealousy is causing you to seek.  I have times when envious thoughts pop into my head, and they can be really ugly… I mean, I wouldn’t confess them to anyone.  It’s not that I want to think them, I just can’t control my instinctive thoughts.  I never act on them, but sometimes I still worry that they make me a mean person.  Over time I’ve come to realise that I don’t think them because I want to be mean, I think them because I have days where I doubt that I’m capable of anything.  We’re all our own toughest critics.  Jealousy is basically our way of doing the whole “Why aren’t you more like them?” thing.

Read, comment, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember, we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!