Dreading Disappointment…

I am a people pleaser. 

I’m not gonna try and deny it, or justify it.  It’s not a good way to live but it’s also not the worst way to live, and as much as people preach self-love and large pop icons have made the whole “sassy empowered woman” thing cool, I really care what other people think of me, and what I can do to make them feel better.  However, this coupled with my obsession with perfection can often lead to disastrous consequences.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a lot of the things that I do, and I do them because I want to do them, however the fact that they may please someone also often becomes the principle cause of my motivation.  I work so hard in school so that my parents have a daughter to be proud of, I spend ages planning super personal birthday presents so people feel special and appreciated, I have a job and earn my own money so that my parents don’t have to support me as much, I take part in school activities so that they feel like I’m contributing… The list goes on and on.  And I’ve always thought that my biggest fear was death, but after recent events I’ve realised that it’s not, it is disappointment.

They say that you’re your own worst critic but honestly I’ve never met a bigger bully than myself when it comes to anything to do with me.  If I do badly in a test or make a bad decision it hits me hard… But not because I aspire to be perfect or the best or anything, because of the fear that now somebody’s gonna be disappointed in me. 

If I fail my A-levels, yeah obviously I’ll be gutted that I didn’t get into Uni, but the people pleaser in me is going to be more gutted that my teachers believed in me and I didn’t deliver, or that my parents gave me every chance to succeed in life and I blew it all.  Because in my opinion, the way that your choices affect others is just as important as the way that your choices affect you (Probably the one point of Preference Utilitarianism that I agree with).

Some stuff happened recently (Today in fact) that really got me thinking about my fear of letting others down, and I realised during the day that no matter how hard you mess up, try and cut people off, conceal yourself away, build your palace of ice (or whatever your less sassy Disney equivalent is), there are always gonna be those few people who are there for you no matter what.  Those people that don’t get angry at you for being a bitch because they know that you need to temporarily lash out and won’t take it personally, or those people who can see that you’re suffering, even if you don’t explicitly tell them.  And often these people can be the people that you least expect.

I am so thankful for those few people that exist in my life and honestly I don’t think I could have made it through today, or many other days without them.  I hope that everyone has people like them in their lives or is able to be like that for somebody else.

So next time your friend/family member is lashing out and being a nightmare, or silently sitting in a classroom slightly quivering, show them compassion, genuinely care, no matter how hard it may be.  Odds are they need it more than you think.

Read, comment, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember, we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!

Sayonara School…

A couple of days ago I was checking my site statistics, and before I officially start my blog post I just wanted to say thank you to all my international readers (and my UK readers as well)!  I’m viewed in 10 countries at the moment and that’s incredibly cool so salamat, grazie, merci, danke, gracias, and thank you, I hope I continue making posts that interest you a little regardless of what country you’re in.

For me, it’s that time of year again… some of us are already back and school and some of us (like me), are desperately clinging to the last few days of freedom before we dive back into school work and revision for exams.  The back to school season has commenced and summer is slowly becoming a distant memory.

Usually, by the end of the summer I can’t wait to go back to school.  It’s not because I particularly want to go to lessons and wake up at 6am and have homework… but rather due to the fact by this point I’m generally bored of summer and want to get back to doing something.  However this year, I kind of don’t want to go back.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not because I hate school of anything, but it’s recently occurred to me that I’m going into my final year of school ever.  I mean yeah, I plan to go to Uni, but Uni and school aren’t exactly the same thing, and they don’t have the same feel at all, so this is my last first day of school ever again…  And that absolutely terrifies me.

A couple weeks ago, I watched the entirety of One Tree Hill from beginning to end (as you do) and the final episode really stuck with me.  Obviously, part of that was because it was the final episode, but a lot of it was due to what Nathan said at the beginning of the episode.

“It’s the oldest story in the world, one day you’re 17 planning for someday, and then quietly, and without you ever really noticing, someday is today and then someday is yesterday and this is your life.”

I like change (from time to time…), and I like new things, but one thing I don’t like is saying goodbye.  And in retrospect, this year is gonna be nothing but a year of goodbyes.  Goodbye to the unnecessarily long first day assembly, goodbye to the “what did you do all summer” conversations… With every day that goes by, there’s one less day of being a schoolchild, and we’re all one day closer to being classed as an adult.

In my lifetime I’ve been to a total of 5 schools, which is a lot more than I should have been to at my age, however it means that technically I should be used to the whole goodbye thing by now.  However this one is a lot different.  Prior to this year, whenever I’ve left a school, I’ve known that eventually I’m gonna end up in another school; It will be different, but at least it will be a school.  However this time next year, we’ll all be preparing to go to different places.  The people that I’m the closest to at the moment, the people that I’m used to spending at least five days a week with, will be scattered across the country… hours away from me.  This is the last year of teachers caring about whether I show up to my lessons or not, caring about when I hand in my homework.  This is the last year where all the responsibility isn’t piled on my shoulders.

So, (at the risk of sounding incredibly cliché), if like me you’re going into your final year of school, remember that your days as a schoolchild are numbered.  School may not be the most entertaining thing in our lives, but it’s where we’ve grown up, made some of our best friends, and learnt a lot more than academic stuff.  School is responsible for a lot of the things that make us who we are.  School shaped us.  And soon we have to say goodbye to it.

Read, comment, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember, we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!