Dreading Disappointment…

I am a people pleaser. 

I’m not gonna try and deny it, or justify it.  It’s not a good way to live but it’s also not the worst way to live, and as much as people preach self-love and large pop icons have made the whole “sassy empowered woman” thing cool, I really care what other people think of me, and what I can do to make them feel better.  However, this coupled with my obsession with perfection can often lead to disastrous consequences.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a lot of the things that I do, and I do them because I want to do them, however the fact that they may please someone also often becomes the principle cause of my motivation.  I work so hard in school so that my parents have a daughter to be proud of, I spend ages planning super personal birthday presents so people feel special and appreciated, I have a job and earn my own money so that my parents don’t have to support me as much, I take part in school activities so that they feel like I’m contributing… The list goes on and on.  And I’ve always thought that my biggest fear was death, but after recent events I’ve realised that it’s not, it is disappointment.

They say that you’re your own worst critic but honestly I’ve never met a bigger bully than myself when it comes to anything to do with me.  If I do badly in a test or make a bad decision it hits me hard… But not because I aspire to be perfect or the best or anything, because of the fear that now somebody’s gonna be disappointed in me. 

If I fail my A-levels, yeah obviously I’ll be gutted that I didn’t get into Uni, but the people pleaser in me is going to be more gutted that my teachers believed in me and I didn’t deliver, or that my parents gave me every chance to succeed in life and I blew it all.  Because in my opinion, the way that your choices affect others is just as important as the way that your choices affect you (Probably the one point of Preference Utilitarianism that I agree with).

Some stuff happened recently (Today in fact) that really got me thinking about my fear of letting others down, and I realised during the day that no matter how hard you mess up, try and cut people off, conceal yourself away, build your palace of ice (or whatever your less sassy Disney equivalent is), there are always gonna be those few people who are there for you no matter what.  Those people that don’t get angry at you for being a bitch because they know that you need to temporarily lash out and won’t take it personally, or those people who can see that you’re suffering, even if you don’t explicitly tell them.  And often these people can be the people that you least expect.

I am so thankful for those few people that exist in my life and honestly I don’t think I could have made it through today, or many other days without them.  I hope that everyone has people like them in their lives or is able to be like that for somebody else.

So next time your friend/family member is lashing out and being a nightmare, or silently sitting in a classroom slightly quivering, show them compassion, genuinely care, no matter how hard it may be.  Odds are they need it more than you think.

Read, comment, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember, we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!

Assessing Appearances…

When I left secondary school I was really excited about the fact that I suddenly would be able to wear my own clothes to school and leave my uniform behind.  Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t the worst uniform in the world (although we did have bright blue kilts…) but I was happy that I could finally wear clothes that flattered me in ways that I wanted.

In year 11 I went through a stage of drastically losing weight… I mean I was never size zero skinny, but I wasn’t exactly the epitome of health.  It wasn’t because I exercised loads or was incredibly fit or anything, I simply stopped eating as well as I should have because I became so wrapped up in the fact that it is very easy to compare people’s sizes when you are all wearing the same thing.  As I began sixth form this became less of a problem however as I started to feel a lot more comfortable I started to realise that the allowance of makeup meant that the majority of girls looked beautifully air brushed all the time.

I’ve always been kind of blessed with relatively good skin; I think it’s due to the fact I don’t particularly like sweets and I drink a lot of water.  So with the right exfoliator, cleanser and moisturiser plus the occasional face mask, my face remained relatively clear and lip gloss and eyeliner were the extent of my morning makeup routine.  However, the more I looked at girls at school the more I realised how amazingly pretty they all looked in makeup.  Clear skin was no longer enough… I needed to have no bags under my eyes, the perfect smooth complexion, an even tone throughout my skin, natural but slightly coloured eyelids, matte but evenly coloured lips… the list went on and on.  I slowly invested in more and more makeup (I mean… I still rarely wear it, but at least I own it), and I became more obsessed with the flaws on my face, some of which I couldn’t help.  My nose felt flatter, my cheeks seemed too red, my forehead too big, my overall face shape too fat and I couldn’t help but hate my absence of cheek bones.

Recently on two separate occasions I’ve had to wear the same dress as many other girls and in both cases I couldn’t help but being consumed in how much more I resembled a potato in comparison to everyone else.  It was like all my uniform fears came back and I noticed everything about me that I hated; the size of my thighs and my wideness.  It’s affected me a lot recently but it’s caused me to really think about how we as a society define “beauty”.

Recently I’ve been binge watching a lot of TV series’ (revision procrastination at its finest).  At the moment I’m watching the OC, before that it was 90210 and before that it was Gossip Girl and each time I haven’t been able to help the fact that I look at the girls and these shows and aspire to have their thin bodies.  Every single one of them looks perfect in everything they wear (which I understand they have costume designers for… but their bodies probably help) and I can’t help but have it bum me out a little.  However, then when I occasionally watch old kids shows like That’s So Raven and Lizzie McGuire, it’s refreshing to look at how the girls aren’t necessarily “plus size” but are average and slightly curly, and they’re not addressed as “big girls” or “curvy girls” but viewed normally.  Through watching TV shows from different years you can actually see how body image has changed over time; we went from a stage where the weight of actors wasn’t necessarily important, to a phase of stick thinness being the norm, to now where we have the celebrated “plus sized girls” and then the slim toned beautiful girls, and I find it interesting how in each of these time periods, these girls were the trendsetters, and the beauty that teens in particular aspired to.

We’re in a time at the moment that’s a lot more tolerant and accepting towards everything, and we’re often preached at by friends, teachers, adverts and parents that “everyone is beautiful and beauty is subjective”, however there are people that the majority tend to agree are just a lot prettier than others, so what is it that allows us to view them as that much more beautiful?  As someone’s that frequently struggles with liking their appearance I personally try not to judge others and I try to never negatively judge anyone’s appearance… I feel like in general this happens a lot less nowadays.  However, when celebrating the beauty of others I find myself wishing I could be that pretty and this can often be self-deprecating.

I didn’t want this post to end up being an “everyone is beautiful, you should love yourself” kind of post because from someone who has little to no self-confidence I find that this is easier said than done.  I just think that we need to stop comparing ourselves to others.  You may find many of their qualities redeeming, but hey, you probably have many redeeming qualities as well.

One of my favourite quotes (I have quite a few, I’m sorry I feel like I talk about quotes that I love a lot), comes from ‘The Red Band Society’, a TV show that got cancelled way before it’s time:

“Luck isn’t getting what you want. It’s about surviving what you don’t want”

I feel like in this day and age, most people have something that they dislike about themselves, but sometimes try as you may you can’t change it.  Embrace your “flaws”, work with them, and make them your special features.  It’s not about being the best looking, it’s about having the confidence in yourself to know you look good.  Because usually if you can believe it, others start to believe it too.

Read, comment, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember, we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!

Back to Blogging…

It has been over 6 months since I have blogged and I apologise for that but a few days after my last post I turned 18 and started my final year of school and I’m taking more subjects than I’m supposed to and I was applying to Universities and I got a part time job and everything took over.  But with exams coming up I need more creative outlets and I can’t remember the last time that I wrote something for fun…  So I’m back to blogging! (At least once every two weeks…)

In honour of my six month absence I’d start with:

6 things I’ve learnt over the last 6 months… (Which will probably stem into inspiration for lengthier blog posts in time)

1. With age only comes wisdom if you let it

I’m finally at the age of “adulthood” and do I instantly feel mature and full of knowledge?  Of course not.  But I’m starting to realise that 18 isn’t a miracle cure for maturity, however one year older means I’ve had another full year to make mistakes (of which I’ve made many) and actually learn from them.  And believe it or not, with this experience I have in fact become slightly more knowledgeable, this year only means more opportunities for growth.

 

2. Just because somebody shines, doesn’t mean you don’t in a different way

I think with my last exams before Uni coming up, and the whole competing for Uni places fiasco, it’s been hard not to look at other people and think “Why can’t I do what they’re doing as well as them?”.  As a perfectionist, I have a tendency to let my flaws overshadow my positive qualities, and at times, especially with the stress of this year, that has caused me to go down a bit of a spiral of fixation.  However, at times I’ve realised that it’s important to step back, reflect on what you can do well, and do not compare yourself to others.  Everybody has their strengths and everybody has their flaws, but we’re all still growing and developing so reward the strengths and know that your flaws can only improve.

 

3. Confidence: Fake it til you make it

It’s no secret to anyone who knows me that I can sometimes be a bit of an introvert.  I think moving around schools a lot when I was younger and constantly being pegged as “the new girl” left me with a tendency to try as hard as possible to blend into the background.  However, it’s my final year of school, so I figured if there was ever a time to try anything it would be now.  I’ve actually put my name forward to do things, and regularly talk to people I’ve never talked to before and though absolutely terrifying at times, everything I’ve put myself out for is ultimately rewarding.  I’ve never really been one for confidence, but I’ve found that if you lie to yourself about having it long enough, you eventually believe that you actually do; confidence, like many things, can be fakes until you make it.

 

4. A little kindness can go a long way

I’m not gonna bore you with the details, but I occasionally go through patches of intense sadness, and this year that intensity has only increased.  I guess with everything that goes on around you with grades, appearance, and popularity it’s hard not to feel a little worthless sometimes.  Over time I’ve realised that it’s the tiny random acts of kindness, like someone texting me when I’ve missed school, or complimenting my hair/outfit/eyebrows, or literally just smiling at me in a hallway or in the treat that make me feel a lot better.  For this reason, I’ve started doing the same to others a lot more; if I think someone’s outfit is particularly nice I’ll bring it up, if I see someone make eye contact I’ll smile.  If you can help someone’s mental state with an act that costs you basically no effort, why not do it all the time?

 

5. If you believe that you’re a wallflower you’re always gonna be a wallflower

This one is one that I’m still struggling with because I have the lowest opinion of myself – don’t get me wrong I don’t think that I’m ugly or disgusting, I just see myself as a middle man who blends subtly into the background; nothing shockingly bad about me, nothing shockingly impressive.  And there’s nothing wrong with being that person, but nobody should believe that they are.  You are never going to have the confidence to reach further and try harder if you believe that you can.  It sounds cheesy (honestly, this whole post has sounded cheesy as I’ve written it…) but there’s something special about all of us, and nobody should discredit themselves to being nothing more than a wallflower.  I’m still yet to find my special thing, but I’m slowly trying to get myself to believe that it may in fact exist.

 

6. Don’t spread yourself too thin

I briefly touched on it in the intro to this post, but I have a lot going on this year.  With Unis and exams and everybody seeming to do a billion extra-curricular’s, it appears that most people have a lot going on this year.  From what I’ve observed, I’m not the only one my age that is prone to freaking out over the sheer amount that I have to do.  Over the last six months I’ve learnt that it is hard to stop yourself doing everything you want.  I’ve had to balance homework, revision, part-time job, more subjects than I’m supposed to be doing, family time, a social life, rehearsals, extra-lessons, UCAS, planning my life next year… and many people have had to do their own version of that.  I’m not going to lie, there are times when I break down and it seems impossible, and there are times when I worry that I’m not productive enough and I want to do more.  I’ve learnt through insane planning (I have a Filofax and I’m really into organisation… don’t judge me…) that it’s possible to take on a lot, but you cannot spread yourself to thin, and you cannot cut out essentials.  We are human beings.  We need adequate sleep, and food, and time to relax with friends or TV… These can’t be cut out by things deemed “more important”, it’s not healthy.

And there you have it…  Sorry if this was insanely cheesy… That was not the intention, but I guess I’m a little bit out of practice at the moment.  Comment, share, message me if you actually know me and thought this was good, I’d appreciate it regardless of how often we talk :).  Oh and if you think that any of these should be made into a full length detailed post, tell me, because I have no idea what I’m going to post next…

Read, comment, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember, we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!

Constantly Changing…

  
So I’m writing this from a train (which is pretty cool because I’m listening to music and typing away as the locations outside my window change quickly and I feel like a writer in a movie) on my way to Durham.  I don’t know if it’s my current location, or the fact that I’m about to spend a week from home in somewhere I’ve never been before with no family, friends, or anyone I know at all, but something really got me thinking about change.

If you had to describe yourself in 3 words what would they be? 

Would you have to think about it? Go on some long journey of self discovery?  Or would you just know? Theoretically we should all know exactly who we are, considering that, you know, we’re ourselves, but in life it’s never that easy. 

When I was younger, I used to really love first days of school. Not because I was a geek (which, I’ll be honest I kind of was but that’s beside the point), I used to love them because each new year felt like a fresh start. I’d be in a new year at school, have different teachers, different books, different folders, a different timetable, I used to feel like with all that change I had the chance to be as different as I wanted to be.  However, now, when I look back and think about it I wonder why I needed a new year to feel like I could be whoever I wanted. 

It’s a common notion; I mean, with every New Year’s Eve comes the trending #newyearnewme hashtag… We seem to mark the times of the year where it’s acceptable for us to change and be who we want to be.  But, when you think about it, we control ourselves.  We should be able to be who we want to be whenever we want to.  So yeah, this week away gives me a fresh start with new people, but that doesn’t mean that it’s a chance for me to radically change who I am.  If I want change, I should be able to whenever I want.  

If you’ve ever seen a Romantic Comedy, the odds are that you’ve seen a female protagonist panic and struggle because she doesn’t know who she is, or what her label in high school is.  I’m not gonna lie, I love watching RomComs, I could watch them all day, but I would be lying if I said that they didn’t have their flaws in terms of the messages that they give.  It’s okay to not know exactly who you are or where you belong.  If I had to describe myself in three words I don’t think I’d be able to without some serious thought.  I have no idea what clique I’d belong to in a teenage high school movie, to be honest I don’t think I’d be able to label myself with a stereotypical role in any of those movies either.  Why? Because we’re always changing, whether it be physically or emotionally. 
Aquinas (an old Philospher) argued in his First Way that we are in a constant state of motion, moving from a state of actuality, to potentiality, to actuality etc.  It sounds more complicated than it is, but it’s easy to wrap your head around if you think of an example, like a saucepan.  When you heat a saucepan, it goes from being potentially hot, to actually being hot, to being potentially cold, to being actually cold.  At the moment we’re all who we are, but we have the potential to be a different version of ourselves, if we want to be because we’re constantly changing.

In my room I have a cork board by my desk where I pin photos, reminders and cute postcards and things I like. My favourite thing on my corkboard at the moment is a postcard that I found when I was out shopping in Lomdon with my friends one time.  It says: Some want it to happen, others wish it would happen, and some go out and make it happen.  Whatever we do, we should always strive to be those who go out and make things happen.  At the end of the day, if you want better for yourself, or you want to be known/noticed for something, you’re the only one that can make it happen.  Regardless of the time of year, or your circumstances, there’s always time for change.

Read, comment, and don’t take anything personally. Remember, we’re all still forming opinions. Byeeeee!

Re-Evaluating Results…

It’s been a long time since I posted, I know, but honestly I’ve been waiting for the inspiration I needed to write my next post.  But today was results day for all AS and A2 students, so I figured it was as good a time as ever to blog about life and experiences.

As a teenage girl with a variety of social media outlets (Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, you name it), I read teenage rants on the education system pretty much every time I go online.  The reason?  It’s probably the number one shared cause of stress amongst teenagers my age.  We have rants, one liners, and recurring jokes on the topic, but all mediums generally come down to the same point:  the education system has got us more concerned about the letters that we get on a piece of paper than whether we actually learn something.

Today was emotional and hectic and nerve wrecking and I witnessed a lot of reactions to results, ranging from one end of the spectrum to the other, and it really got me thinking about the point above.  I’m not saying that the letters don’t matter, because they do; universities and jobs have to find some way of filtering applicants, but it seems that nowadays as students our grades begin to become the thing that defines us.

For example, I remember last year when I got my GCSE Results (It was a way bigger deal than this year’s results because it was my first proper results day and I swear I shook the whole way to school).  The second I ripped open the envelope, before I even properly registered my results I was on the phone to my parents listing my A*s, As and Bs.  Then before I knew it, I was texting family members listing my A*s, As and Bs.  Then as I walked down the corridors out of school I can’t tell you how many times I recited my A*s, As and Bs to everybody that asked me what I got.  By the time I left school that day, before I could even properly sit down and look at my grade breakdown, I could recite the number of A*s, As and Bs I got by heart.  By the time I started sixth form, it felt like reciting my grades became as common as reciting my name.  Without intending for them to, my grades had become one of my largest defining factors, and one of the first things I’d be asked about whenever I met someone new.

Like I said earlier, I’m not saying that grades don’t matter.  Of course they matter.  But, whether we do badly or we do well we shouldn’t let them be the things that define us.  Don’t get me wrong, you shouldn’t use that as an incentive to give up and not try at all.  Grades may not be what define you, but the amount that you try for them does.  What I’m saying is that if you opened that envelope today (or any other day) and your heart sank a little, don’t let those letters ruin your morale.

If you aren’t happy with your AS results, the beauty of AS levels is how accessible the retakes are.  If you want better, go out and get those better grades for yourself next year.  And if you try again and do better, be proud!  However, regardless of what you get, always remember that there is more to every single one of us than a few letters on a piece of paper. 

Read, comment, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember, we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!

Screaming Silence…

As summer kicks off so do the (even later than usual) late nights, and the lengthy philosophical 2am Whatsapp group discussions, and something really struck me today.

“The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.”

-Charles Bukowski

I read this quote a couple of years ago in a book, and back then, yeah, I thought it was nice and “deep” on a philosophical level, but I don’t think I fully realised how true it is until now.  Have you ever been in a situation where you’re debating an issue that you’re truly passionate about with facts and logic and evidence, and the person on the opposing side refuses to even acknowledge that what you’re saying could have some meaning?  They brush aside your validity to keep their pride and be the “winner”, and turn a topic that you’re serious about into a joke, or “banter” that you took too seriously.  You’re left with two basic options, and neither of them are particularly favourable:

1. Keep communicating your view, knowing that they’re never going to even consider what you’re saying, which will end up frustrating you until you can no longer take it. Or;
2. Give up. Stop speaking, and listen to the obnoxiously untrue “that’s right, stop talking!  You know I’m right” jeer that follows.

One of the biggest lies that people like that force themselves to believe is that you stopped talking because you had nothing else to say.  I don’t know about you, but for me that generally isn’t the case.  Ever.  I like debate.  I like logic.  I like facts.  If I think that I have a good leg to stand on, and facts and logic to prove my point I could argue it forever.  But with some people, it’s just not worth it.  Charles Bukowski was really onto something.  When I look at the person that I was when I was 12 and I look at the person that I am now, I can see that there’s a huge difference in the willingness that I have when it comes to proving that I’m right.  It seems like, overtime the ignorance of others has shrouded my confidence when it comes to fighting for what I believe in.  It’s not that I’ve become shy or I have no belief in myself anymore, because the tenacity is still there.  I mean, give me a formal debate or a courtroom and I’d be in it to win it.  But with arguments with certain people, I’ve come to the conclusion that knowing that I’m doing the right thing, even if I’m the only one that believes it, has to be good enough. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way saying that anyone that ever disagrees with me is “ignorant” or “not worth arguing with”, because I will happily have lively debates with my friends for hours (and we do sometimes… it’s weirdly cool).  If someone opposes my view, I’ll listen to their reasons why and consider them.  It’s when people won’t do the same for me, and will only listen to their points, regardless of what anyone else says that I begin to wonder if there’s a point to trying with that person.  The more that I think about it, the more that I realise that Charles Bukowski was really onto something with that quote.  It seems that the ignorant are more willing to shout their views over everyone, as opposed to those that have views that may actually be worth sharing, but are too scared/tired of being shot down to share them.

And if you ask me, it’s terrible how often this happens.  We all know that everybody deserves to be heard, but even more importantly: everybody deserves to have their opinions acknowledged and considered.  Next time you’re in a heated discussion, stop and think about whether you’re actually registering the other side’s point of view, or whether you’re dismissing them to get to your own points.  Because sometimes it’s an easy trap to fall into.

Finally, don’t mistake someone’s silence as weakness.  Sometimes it’s exhaustion from arguing but not being appreciated, or realising that their ideas can’t be seen through the surrounding smoke of stupidity.  Sometimes, silence speaks a lot louder than words, but if your silence can shout, let your words scream the message you want to get across.  It’s time to do Bukowski proud and abandon that doubt and let yourself be heard.

What are your views?  Is the silence justifiable or should you fight until you’re frustrating and losing it, purely because you know that you’re arguing the right way and you need to teach someone what that way is?

Read, please comment, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember, we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!

From Goal to Goal to Goal…

So summer has officially started… School’s done and it’s time to relax, whether that be through outings with friends or becoming the couch potato you long to become all year round.  Summer also tends to commence the fight for that “bikini body” yet again.  In fact, summer diets have become one of the most common summer missions shared amongst teenagers… Me included.

However, recently I’ve been thinking that maybe the reason I aspire to lose the most weight during the summer holidays is because I always need to have something to aspire to.  (Case in point:  I had two weeks off when my exams were over, before school restarted in May/June, and during this time I figured out my University preferences and started this blog).  The more that I’ve thought about it, the more things make sense.  I spend the whole school year working towards final exams; this year it was AS exams, last year it was my GCSE’s, and the moment that they’re over I claim that I’m going to relax, but I always find something else to work on, a “new project”, if you will.

This same principle can loosely be applied to the way that we live our lives, or at least the way that society teaches we should live our lives.  Think about it.  The general structure of our lives consists of:

• Nursery, so we learn the basics for…
• Primary School, so we can get into…
• Secondary school, where we study for…
• GCSE’s, so we know the basics for…
• AS Levels, which count for 50% of our…
• A2’s, which we need in order to get into…
• University, so that we can get a good…
• Job, so that we can pay to live comfortably, until…
• Retirement.

And yes, I know that life’s not that simple and that the structure varies from person to person, but that’s a stripped down version to illustrate my point.  We are always working for something.  Basically everything that we do, we do because we’re striving to achieve a goal… and after we’ve achieved it, we move on to the next one.

It’s like Aristotle discussed with his four causes.  Long story short, he believed that everything on earth could be explained with four questions, or “causes”: what materials it was made of, how those materials were put together, who made it, and why it was made, (Its purpose).  That last one is what he called the “Final Cause”, which basically led Aristotle to the conclusion that everything is designed to work towards a specific purpose/aim/end goal.  What if Aristotle is right?  We could all be bouncing from goal to goal to goal until we find that final one to work towards…  That all-important “Final Cause”.  Whether you agree with that conclusion or not, you must agree that regardless of whether we realise at the time, we are always working towards something.

I barely know what my current goal is, or what my next 10 goals will be, because these things aren’t always planned.  Sometimes it’s like our subconscious is driving us to work towards something whether we realise it or not.  So, whether you know your current goal, or are just going with the flow that’s leading you there, good luck in achieving it this summer (and in life in general!).

Read, comment, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember, we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!

“Because I’m Black…”

Just a little pre-warning, I feel like this is going to be a highly controversial post, so I would like to stress that I am not trying to offend anybody, I’m just stating my opinion. 

Racism is a topic that we have all encountered at some point in our lives, whether we’ve felt that we are a victim of racial prejudice, have been accused of being racist, or have witnessed an instance of racism.  We could talk about 50 years ago, we could talk about yesterday – regardless of the time period racism always seems to be a hot topic.

I went to an event the other day, and a discussion was had about racism and where we all stand regarding it nowadays, so I felt the need to get my personal view across on this blog.  I know that racism still exists.  I watch the news, I see discrimination due to ethnic backgrounds, and I understand that in this modern world, racism still occurs from day to day.  However, I believe that nowadays people have a tendency to over-play the “racism card”, as it were.

I think, as someone of Caribbean heritage, one of the phrases that irritates me more than anything else is the phrase “because I’m black”.  It is an overused excuse, in a multitude of situations.  The amount of times I’ve heard friends and acquaintances claim that they didn’t get a part in something or didn’t get a job, or someone didn’t like them “because they weren’t white” is overwhelming.  I’m not saying that this is never the case, but the truth is a lot of the time, it isn’t.  If you go into a job interview for a business that you think consists of mainly white individuals, and you have the mind-set that you don’t stand a chance because you aren’t white, then you’re already sabotaging yourself with your negative attitude.  Don’t go into things leading with your race.  If you have the right qualifications, if you work hard and if you believe in yourself, then you should be able to trust that you are good enough to get what you want, regardless of your race.  And the truth is, there may be times in this world when the reason that you don’t get what you want is because of your race.  But that shouldn’t be your go to excuse.

A few days ago somebody said something to me which really stuck.  “It’s too easy to point the finger at someone and say that they’re racist, but we all have our bias”.  And it is shockingly true, because yes, you can scold somebody for discriminating against you, or judging you too quickly… But can you honestly say that you yourself have no prejudice against any group of people?

I’m a black girl who went from a majority white primary school, then to a majority black secondary school, and now to a rather diverse sixth form, so I’ve observed this issue from all sides.  My primary school was private, and I was not oblivious to the fact that I was one of the 4 black girls, and 7 ethnic girls (out of a year of 30) in my year, but it didn’t bother me.  It wasn’t until I moved from my primary school and into a majority-ethnic state school, and I was told that I “didn’t act black enough” by a large number of people that I really realised how much racism takes place.  It’s often the people that complain about racial stereotyping, that will ridicule someone of their race when they don’t comply with their perfect racial image.  I’m not a very loud person, and I guess I’m relatively well-spoken, but that doesn’t make me any less “black” than anybody else.  I grew up in a Caribbean household, I have a lot of family that I see all the time, and they appear to have no problem with how “black” I am.  By using terms like this, we are setting back years of history.  If we really want equality, we shouldn’t accuse people of “acting white” or “acting black or Asian”… Everybody acts with different characteristics, and race is not a characteristic.

I’m not condoning racism in any way, and I’m not saying that ethnic minorities make it all up in their heads.  Racism still does exist in society.  There have been times where I’ve felt that I was a victim of racism, and there are times when I really believe that I’ve witnessed racism.  However, I feel like because of the history of racism and what we’re brought up learning about our backgrounds, it’s easy to blame race for our shortcomings and fall-backs.  It’s taken me years, but I’m finally learning to look past the colour of my skin, (whether it’s the reason for my rejection or not), and focus on the things that I can change.  If I don’t get a job, I’ll work on a better CV or better interview skills…  If I don’t get a part I want, I’ll sing louder, practice more.  You can’t change the colour of your skin, and it shouldn’t be that important a factor.  I am proud of where I come from, but personally, I think the way that I was brought up, the way that my parents raised me, and the activities that I partook in as a child, define me way more than my race does.  Don’t ignore your race altogether, but don’t use it as the foundation for everything that you do.

Read, comment, share, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!

Friendship or Folly?

I don’t know whether as I’m growing older I’m becoming wiser or more bitter, but honestly I find myself tolerating a lot less nonsense from people, and constantly redefining who I genuinely would class as a “friend”…

I wouldn’t say that I’m cold and heartless and I hate everyone, because I don’t.  I mean, I have some friends that I reckon I’ll have for the rest of my life… They’re the kind of friends that I would give my last slice of pizza to… and that’s really something because I harbour a deep, emotional love for pizza.  It’s not even like I intended to make such close friends, and I’ve realised that the best friendships are the ones where you can’t pinpoint when exactly you became as close as you are.  I don’t think there’s a particular moment when I realised they were my close friends… It’s just that I found myself noticing the few people that actually made the effort to physically be there for me when I needed someone.

Honestly, you really know that a friendship isn’t what it used to be when you notice the levels of effort start to slip.  If you find yourself asking why you’re always the one to start the conversation and come up with topics to talk about…  If you notice that you always make an effort to be there when they need you but they’re rarely there when you need them… If you’re scared to tell them about certain (harmless) things you get up to because you’re worried you’ll be judged too intensely… The odds are you’re slowly drifting apart.  It’s a terrible thing… I look at some of the people that I thought I’d still be meeting up for coffee with when I’m 40 years old, or sharing uni dorms with, and sometimes it makes me a little sad that I struggle to meet up or make conversation with them now, while we’re still young and have summer holidays.

I’m not implying that friendships can’t have rough patches… It’s a fact of life, friends argue.  I have a few friends that are basically family and we have odd days when we get mad at each other and don’t talk/are really blunt with one another for a while.  However, after a few days one of us will defrost the icy coldness between us because we know that we’re stuck with each other whether we like it or not due to the inexplicable bonds of friendship.  Sometimes your friend will disagree with some of your life choices, and sometimes you wanna judge them for some of theirs, but that’s because friends should want to change each other for good (excuse the ‘Wicked’ reference).  I hold my friends to a high standard and I hope that they do the same for me.  If I’m acting like an idiot, I expect them to be able to turn around and tell me that I’m acting like an idiot… I may get offended for a second, but at the end of the day, I trust my friends and I know I’d do the same thing to them.  If you ask me, that’s what a real close friendship should be like.  When people get mad at you and ignore you, or tell everybody apart from you why they’re mad, you start to realise that you don’t need that kind of “stresship” in your life.

I understand that people change and grow apart, and I’d be lying if I claimed to be the same person I was five years ago.  Let’s be honest, I’d be lying if I said that I was the same person I was last year.  I’ve gained a little more confidence and I don’t rely on the crutch of other confident people to make friends through anymore.  I’m also a lot more opinionated than I used to be, and not as afraid to speak my mind when it needs to be spoken… But honestly, I don’t think that these changes are what have made me drift apart from some people.

I feel like the older I get, the more I’ve come to realise that I can’t be putting in 100% if someone else is only going to put in 40%.  I don’t have to be the centre of my friends’ attention 24/7, but we should all be able to feel like our friends want to talk to us as much as we want to talk to them.  If you find yourself being pushed aside for others, or constantly being stood up/ignored, I’m not saying that you should cut the person loose, but maybe re-evaluate whether you class them as a “friend” or an “acquaintance”, because the closer I get to my true friends, the greater I realise the distinction is between the two words.

Read, comment, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!

Toxic Togetherness…

So exams are over, I’m back at school, and I have to say that with all the focus on exams and then the two week break that followed, I forgot the emotional strain that comes with group work.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m fully capable and up for working in a team… When the team is as cooperative as I am.  Even when I’m in a bad group, I’ll see that the work is done, it will just emotionally exhaust me.

I don’t mind being in groups with varied abilities.  I mean, I rarely consider myself to be the best person in a group, I just want to work with people that are aiming for the same outcome as I am: the best work that we can produce.  I don’t even mind bossy people!  If someone wants to be bossy and take charge, providing that they’re doing a good job, I’ll passively sit back and let them (as long as I manage to get a few of my ideas in).  What I hate is negativity.  Don’t tell me you think our work will be terrible.  Don’t tell me it’s going terribly.  You think that we’re on a rapid decline?  Work with the rest of the group to fix it!

We probably all know that person (we’ve either been them or worked with them) that does nothing but moan and moan and moan during group work, and we’ve all probably wanted to kill that person (or felt the death glares received when we were that person).  I honestly don’t see the point… you think it’s bad?! It’s your group too, don’t disown it, change it.  You owe yourself that much.

It’s like an experiment I did in chemistry in year seven.  Can’t remember what we were trying to prove, but we dropped food dye into water and watched it spread throughout, darkening and ruining the clearness of the water.  During group work that one negative person effectively squirts a big old glob of food dye into the water of the group, and when you hear someone’s negativity, you can end up simultaneously feeling terrible about the work you’ve put in and doubting the foundation of the team.

Basically… negativity spreads.  And it spreads badly.  You hate your group?  Suck it up and make the best of it.  You hate the work you’ve done?  Think of a positive way to change it.  I’ve had groups I’ve loved working with and groups I haven’t liked as much, but as The Rolling Stones once emphasised, you can’t always get what you want.

I started this on group work because being back at school provoked it, but this is a lesson that can be applied to life in general.  I once read a quote (it’s actually one of my favourite quotes) saying:

“Life isn’t about waiting for the cloud to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain”

It’s basically my favourite life lesson.  Like jealousy, you can’t help negative thoughts popping into your head, but you can control the way you react to them.  Take that terrible work, or that bad day, or that bad grade and figure out how you can improve it.  It’s not always about looking for the best, sometimes it’s about finding the worst and making it better.

Read, comment, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!