Dreading Disappointment…

I am a people pleaser. 

I’m not gonna try and deny it, or justify it.  It’s not a good way to live but it’s also not the worst way to live, and as much as people preach self-love and large pop icons have made the whole “sassy empowered woman” thing cool, I really care what other people think of me, and what I can do to make them feel better.  However, this coupled with my obsession with perfection can often lead to disastrous consequences.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a lot of the things that I do, and I do them because I want to do them, however the fact that they may please someone also often becomes the principle cause of my motivation.  I work so hard in school so that my parents have a daughter to be proud of, I spend ages planning super personal birthday presents so people feel special and appreciated, I have a job and earn my own money so that my parents don’t have to support me as much, I take part in school activities so that they feel like I’m contributing… The list goes on and on.  And I’ve always thought that my biggest fear was death, but after recent events I’ve realised that it’s not, it is disappointment.

They say that you’re your own worst critic but honestly I’ve never met a bigger bully than myself when it comes to anything to do with me.  If I do badly in a test or make a bad decision it hits me hard… But not because I aspire to be perfect or the best or anything, because of the fear that now somebody’s gonna be disappointed in me. 

If I fail my A-levels, yeah obviously I’ll be gutted that I didn’t get into Uni, but the people pleaser in me is going to be more gutted that my teachers believed in me and I didn’t deliver, or that my parents gave me every chance to succeed in life and I blew it all.  Because in my opinion, the way that your choices affect others is just as important as the way that your choices affect you (Probably the one point of Preference Utilitarianism that I agree with).

Some stuff happened recently (Today in fact) that really got me thinking about my fear of letting others down, and I realised during the day that no matter how hard you mess up, try and cut people off, conceal yourself away, build your palace of ice (or whatever your less sassy Disney equivalent is), there are always gonna be those few people who are there for you no matter what.  Those people that don’t get angry at you for being a bitch because they know that you need to temporarily lash out and won’t take it personally, or those people who can see that you’re suffering, even if you don’t explicitly tell them.  And often these people can be the people that you least expect.

I am so thankful for those few people that exist in my life and honestly I don’t think I could have made it through today, or many other days without them.  I hope that everyone has people like them in their lives or is able to be like that for somebody else.

So next time your friend/family member is lashing out and being a nightmare, or silently sitting in a classroom slightly quivering, show them compassion, genuinely care, no matter how hard it may be.  Odds are they need it more than you think.

Read, comment, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember, we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!

Back to Blogging…

It has been over 6 months since I have blogged and I apologise for that but a few days after my last post I turned 18 and started my final year of school and I’m taking more subjects than I’m supposed to and I was applying to Universities and I got a part time job and everything took over.  But with exams coming up I need more creative outlets and I can’t remember the last time that I wrote something for fun…  So I’m back to blogging! (At least once every two weeks…)

In honour of my six month absence I’d start with:

6 things I’ve learnt over the last 6 months… (Which will probably stem into inspiration for lengthier blog posts in time)

1. With age only comes wisdom if you let it

I’m finally at the age of “adulthood” and do I instantly feel mature and full of knowledge?  Of course not.  But I’m starting to realise that 18 isn’t a miracle cure for maturity, however one year older means I’ve had another full year to make mistakes (of which I’ve made many) and actually learn from them.  And believe it or not, with this experience I have in fact become slightly more knowledgeable, this year only means more opportunities for growth.

 

2. Just because somebody shines, doesn’t mean you don’t in a different way

I think with my last exams before Uni coming up, and the whole competing for Uni places fiasco, it’s been hard not to look at other people and think “Why can’t I do what they’re doing as well as them?”.  As a perfectionist, I have a tendency to let my flaws overshadow my positive qualities, and at times, especially with the stress of this year, that has caused me to go down a bit of a spiral of fixation.  However, at times I’ve realised that it’s important to step back, reflect on what you can do well, and do not compare yourself to others.  Everybody has their strengths and everybody has their flaws, but we’re all still growing and developing so reward the strengths and know that your flaws can only improve.

 

3. Confidence: Fake it til you make it

It’s no secret to anyone who knows me that I can sometimes be a bit of an introvert.  I think moving around schools a lot when I was younger and constantly being pegged as “the new girl” left me with a tendency to try as hard as possible to blend into the background.  However, it’s my final year of school, so I figured if there was ever a time to try anything it would be now.  I’ve actually put my name forward to do things, and regularly talk to people I’ve never talked to before and though absolutely terrifying at times, everything I’ve put myself out for is ultimately rewarding.  I’ve never really been one for confidence, but I’ve found that if you lie to yourself about having it long enough, you eventually believe that you actually do; confidence, like many things, can be fakes until you make it.

 

4. A little kindness can go a long way

I’m not gonna bore you with the details, but I occasionally go through patches of intense sadness, and this year that intensity has only increased.  I guess with everything that goes on around you with grades, appearance, and popularity it’s hard not to feel a little worthless sometimes.  Over time I’ve realised that it’s the tiny random acts of kindness, like someone texting me when I’ve missed school, or complimenting my hair/outfit/eyebrows, or literally just smiling at me in a hallway or in the treat that make me feel a lot better.  For this reason, I’ve started doing the same to others a lot more; if I think someone’s outfit is particularly nice I’ll bring it up, if I see someone make eye contact I’ll smile.  If you can help someone’s mental state with an act that costs you basically no effort, why not do it all the time?

 

5. If you believe that you’re a wallflower you’re always gonna be a wallflower

This one is one that I’m still struggling with because I have the lowest opinion of myself – don’t get me wrong I don’t think that I’m ugly or disgusting, I just see myself as a middle man who blends subtly into the background; nothing shockingly bad about me, nothing shockingly impressive.  And there’s nothing wrong with being that person, but nobody should believe that they are.  You are never going to have the confidence to reach further and try harder if you believe that you can.  It sounds cheesy (honestly, this whole post has sounded cheesy as I’ve written it…) but there’s something special about all of us, and nobody should discredit themselves to being nothing more than a wallflower.  I’m still yet to find my special thing, but I’m slowly trying to get myself to believe that it may in fact exist.

 

6. Don’t spread yourself too thin

I briefly touched on it in the intro to this post, but I have a lot going on this year.  With Unis and exams and everybody seeming to do a billion extra-curricular’s, it appears that most people have a lot going on this year.  From what I’ve observed, I’m not the only one my age that is prone to freaking out over the sheer amount that I have to do.  Over the last six months I’ve learnt that it is hard to stop yourself doing everything you want.  I’ve had to balance homework, revision, part-time job, more subjects than I’m supposed to be doing, family time, a social life, rehearsals, extra-lessons, UCAS, planning my life next year… and many people have had to do their own version of that.  I’m not going to lie, there are times when I break down and it seems impossible, and there are times when I worry that I’m not productive enough and I want to do more.  I’ve learnt through insane planning (I have a Filofax and I’m really into organisation… don’t judge me…) that it’s possible to take on a lot, but you cannot spread yourself to thin, and you cannot cut out essentials.  We are human beings.  We need adequate sleep, and food, and time to relax with friends or TV… These can’t be cut out by things deemed “more important”, it’s not healthy.

And there you have it…  Sorry if this was insanely cheesy… That was not the intention, but I guess I’m a little bit out of practice at the moment.  Comment, share, message me if you actually know me and thought this was good, I’d appreciate it regardless of how often we talk :).  Oh and if you think that any of these should be made into a full length detailed post, tell me, because I have no idea what I’m going to post next…

Read, comment, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember, we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!

Accelerated Ageing…

Growing up has always been one of those things I wanted to do.  5 year old me couldn’t wait to be 10, 10 year old me couldn’t wait to be 16, and 16 year old me couldn’t wait to be 18.  And yet, now I’m 2 weeks away from being an adult I wish I could cling on to my childhood and my life of no responsibility and a billion second chances.  But as much as I wish it, I can’t.  We’re all growing up, maturing whether we can feel it or not. 

I’ve just come back from a week at a summer school, pretending to go to University for a week.  It was great; I made amazing friends, actually improved my French skills and confidence immensely, even explored activities I wouldn’t usually explore.  But I’d be lying if I said that the whole experience didn’t terrify me a little… (Or a lot…)

You see, at the end of the week we had this “mini graduation” ceremony.  It was amazingly cute; we got gowns, scrolls, a ceremony, the whole shebang… and I couldn’t help but feel extremely old.  I mean, yeah, I was only playing a Uni student for a few moments, but at one point I looked at the people around me, and the hall I was in and the scroll I was clutching and I remembered where I was this time a year ago.

I feel exactly the same, but it’s not until I look at what I’ve done in the last school year that I realise how much I’ve actually changed.  I went away from home, four hours away from home, by myself to a summer school where I knew absolutely no one.  I had no friends by my side, no family, and a year ago that would have absolutely terrified me.  This time last year no way would I have written a blog!  This time last year I wouldn’t have let my closest friends read anything that I’d written at all.  Last summer I vowed to do so much, but the odds are this time last year I was lounging on a sofa, thinking about what the next year would bring and binging on Netflix.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve still watched a ridiculous amount of Netflix this summer.  However, I’ve also gone out and done work experience, written an academic essay, hung out with my friends, done 2 summer schools and applied for and started a part-time job.  It only began occurring to me when I looked at that scroll in my hand, that without even trying to I’ve grown older and I’ve matured.  I don’t feel very different at all, and I think often as teenagers we discredit ourselves and believe that we haven’t made any progress at all.  I’m pretty sure, regardless of your age, if any of you look back and what you’d done a year ago and what you’ve done now, you’ll realise that you’ve done a lot more than you give yourself credit for.

Even if it’s nothing physical, look at the person you were a year ago compared to the person you are now.  Are you more confident?  More reserved?  More self-assured?  More mature?  I guarantee you there will be something.

We should be proud of the people that we’ve become, but we should never forget the people that we’ve come from.  As sung in one of my favourite musicals: “There’s pride in my heart because I know where I’m going, but I know where I’ve been”.  Never forget the spirit you had as a 10 year old, or that ridiculous confidence you had when you were 5.  Hold on to it all.  Use it to grow.  Let it help mould you.

Yeah, we’re ageing.  But that doesn’t mean we still can’t be kids from time to time.   

Read, comment, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember, we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!