Assessing Appearances…

When I left secondary school I was really excited about the fact that I suddenly would be able to wear my own clothes to school and leave my uniform behind.  Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t the worst uniform in the world (although we did have bright blue kilts…) but I was happy that I could finally wear clothes that flattered me in ways that I wanted.

In year 11 I went through a stage of drastically losing weight… I mean I was never size zero skinny, but I wasn’t exactly the epitome of health.  It wasn’t because I exercised loads or was incredibly fit or anything, I simply stopped eating as well as I should have because I became so wrapped up in the fact that it is very easy to compare people’s sizes when you are all wearing the same thing.  As I began sixth form this became less of a problem however as I started to feel a lot more comfortable I started to realise that the allowance of makeup meant that the majority of girls looked beautifully air brushed all the time.

I’ve always been kind of blessed with relatively good skin; I think it’s due to the fact I don’t particularly like sweets and I drink a lot of water.  So with the right exfoliator, cleanser and moisturiser plus the occasional face mask, my face remained relatively clear and lip gloss and eyeliner were the extent of my morning makeup routine.  However, the more I looked at girls at school the more I realised how amazingly pretty they all looked in makeup.  Clear skin was no longer enough… I needed to have no bags under my eyes, the perfect smooth complexion, an even tone throughout my skin, natural but slightly coloured eyelids, matte but evenly coloured lips… the list went on and on.  I slowly invested in more and more makeup (I mean… I still rarely wear it, but at least I own it), and I became more obsessed with the flaws on my face, some of which I couldn’t help.  My nose felt flatter, my cheeks seemed too red, my forehead too big, my overall face shape too fat and I couldn’t help but hate my absence of cheek bones.

Recently on two separate occasions I’ve had to wear the same dress as many other girls and in both cases I couldn’t help but being consumed in how much more I resembled a potato in comparison to everyone else.  It was like all my uniform fears came back and I noticed everything about me that I hated; the size of my thighs and my wideness.  It’s affected me a lot recently but it’s caused me to really think about how we as a society define “beauty”.

Recently I’ve been binge watching a lot of TV series’ (revision procrastination at its finest).  At the moment I’m watching the OC, before that it was 90210 and before that it was Gossip Girl and each time I haven’t been able to help the fact that I look at the girls and these shows and aspire to have their thin bodies.  Every single one of them looks perfect in everything they wear (which I understand they have costume designers for… but their bodies probably help) and I can’t help but have it bum me out a little.  However, then when I occasionally watch old kids shows like That’s So Raven and Lizzie McGuire, it’s refreshing to look at how the girls aren’t necessarily “plus size” but are average and slightly curly, and they’re not addressed as “big girls” or “curvy girls” but viewed normally.  Through watching TV shows from different years you can actually see how body image has changed over time; we went from a stage where the weight of actors wasn’t necessarily important, to a phase of stick thinness being the norm, to now where we have the celebrated “plus sized girls” and then the slim toned beautiful girls, and I find it interesting how in each of these time periods, these girls were the trendsetters, and the beauty that teens in particular aspired to.

We’re in a time at the moment that’s a lot more tolerant and accepting towards everything, and we’re often preached at by friends, teachers, adverts and parents that “everyone is beautiful and beauty is subjective”, however there are people that the majority tend to agree are just a lot prettier than others, so what is it that allows us to view them as that much more beautiful?  As someone’s that frequently struggles with liking their appearance I personally try not to judge others and I try to never negatively judge anyone’s appearance… I feel like in general this happens a lot less nowadays.  However, when celebrating the beauty of others I find myself wishing I could be that pretty and this can often be self-deprecating.

I didn’t want this post to end up being an “everyone is beautiful, you should love yourself” kind of post because from someone who has little to no self-confidence I find that this is easier said than done.  I just think that we need to stop comparing ourselves to others.  You may find many of their qualities redeeming, but hey, you probably have many redeeming qualities as well.

One of my favourite quotes (I have quite a few, I’m sorry I feel like I talk about quotes that I love a lot), comes from ‘The Red Band Society’, a TV show that got cancelled way before it’s time:

“Luck isn’t getting what you want. It’s about surviving what you don’t want”

I feel like in this day and age, most people have something that they dislike about themselves, but sometimes try as you may you can’t change it.  Embrace your “flaws”, work with them, and make them your special features.  It’s not about being the best looking, it’s about having the confidence in yourself to know you look good.  Because usually if you can believe it, others start to believe it too.

Read, comment, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember, we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!

Back to Blogging…

It has been over 6 months since I have blogged and I apologise for that but a few days after my last post I turned 18 and started my final year of school and I’m taking more subjects than I’m supposed to and I was applying to Universities and I got a part time job and everything took over.  But with exams coming up I need more creative outlets and I can’t remember the last time that I wrote something for fun…  So I’m back to blogging! (At least once every two weeks…)

In honour of my six month absence I’d start with:

6 things I’ve learnt over the last 6 months… (Which will probably stem into inspiration for lengthier blog posts in time)

1. With age only comes wisdom if you let it

I’m finally at the age of “adulthood” and do I instantly feel mature and full of knowledge?  Of course not.  But I’m starting to realise that 18 isn’t a miracle cure for maturity, however one year older means I’ve had another full year to make mistakes (of which I’ve made many) and actually learn from them.  And believe it or not, with this experience I have in fact become slightly more knowledgeable, this year only means more opportunities for growth.

 

2. Just because somebody shines, doesn’t mean you don’t in a different way

I think with my last exams before Uni coming up, and the whole competing for Uni places fiasco, it’s been hard not to look at other people and think “Why can’t I do what they’re doing as well as them?”.  As a perfectionist, I have a tendency to let my flaws overshadow my positive qualities, and at times, especially with the stress of this year, that has caused me to go down a bit of a spiral of fixation.  However, at times I’ve realised that it’s important to step back, reflect on what you can do well, and do not compare yourself to others.  Everybody has their strengths and everybody has their flaws, but we’re all still growing and developing so reward the strengths and know that your flaws can only improve.

 

3. Confidence: Fake it til you make it

It’s no secret to anyone who knows me that I can sometimes be a bit of an introvert.  I think moving around schools a lot when I was younger and constantly being pegged as “the new girl” left me with a tendency to try as hard as possible to blend into the background.  However, it’s my final year of school, so I figured if there was ever a time to try anything it would be now.  I’ve actually put my name forward to do things, and regularly talk to people I’ve never talked to before and though absolutely terrifying at times, everything I’ve put myself out for is ultimately rewarding.  I’ve never really been one for confidence, but I’ve found that if you lie to yourself about having it long enough, you eventually believe that you actually do; confidence, like many things, can be fakes until you make it.

 

4. A little kindness can go a long way

I’m not gonna bore you with the details, but I occasionally go through patches of intense sadness, and this year that intensity has only increased.  I guess with everything that goes on around you with grades, appearance, and popularity it’s hard not to feel a little worthless sometimes.  Over time I’ve realised that it’s the tiny random acts of kindness, like someone texting me when I’ve missed school, or complimenting my hair/outfit/eyebrows, or literally just smiling at me in a hallway or in the treat that make me feel a lot better.  For this reason, I’ve started doing the same to others a lot more; if I think someone’s outfit is particularly nice I’ll bring it up, if I see someone make eye contact I’ll smile.  If you can help someone’s mental state with an act that costs you basically no effort, why not do it all the time?

 

5. If you believe that you’re a wallflower you’re always gonna be a wallflower

This one is one that I’m still struggling with because I have the lowest opinion of myself – don’t get me wrong I don’t think that I’m ugly or disgusting, I just see myself as a middle man who blends subtly into the background; nothing shockingly bad about me, nothing shockingly impressive.  And there’s nothing wrong with being that person, but nobody should believe that they are.  You are never going to have the confidence to reach further and try harder if you believe that you can.  It sounds cheesy (honestly, this whole post has sounded cheesy as I’ve written it…) but there’s something special about all of us, and nobody should discredit themselves to being nothing more than a wallflower.  I’m still yet to find my special thing, but I’m slowly trying to get myself to believe that it may in fact exist.

 

6. Don’t spread yourself too thin

I briefly touched on it in the intro to this post, but I have a lot going on this year.  With Unis and exams and everybody seeming to do a billion extra-curricular’s, it appears that most people have a lot going on this year.  From what I’ve observed, I’m not the only one my age that is prone to freaking out over the sheer amount that I have to do.  Over the last six months I’ve learnt that it is hard to stop yourself doing everything you want.  I’ve had to balance homework, revision, part-time job, more subjects than I’m supposed to be doing, family time, a social life, rehearsals, extra-lessons, UCAS, planning my life next year… and many people have had to do their own version of that.  I’m not going to lie, there are times when I break down and it seems impossible, and there are times when I worry that I’m not productive enough and I want to do more.  I’ve learnt through insane planning (I have a Filofax and I’m really into organisation… don’t judge me…) that it’s possible to take on a lot, but you cannot spread yourself to thin, and you cannot cut out essentials.  We are human beings.  We need adequate sleep, and food, and time to relax with friends or TV… These can’t be cut out by things deemed “more important”, it’s not healthy.

And there you have it…  Sorry if this was insanely cheesy… That was not the intention, but I guess I’m a little bit out of practice at the moment.  Comment, share, message me if you actually know me and thought this was good, I’d appreciate it regardless of how often we talk :).  Oh and if you think that any of these should be made into a full length detailed post, tell me, because I have no idea what I’m going to post next…

Read, comment, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember, we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!

Sayonara School…

A couple of days ago I was checking my site statistics, and before I officially start my blog post I just wanted to say thank you to all my international readers (and my UK readers as well)!  I’m viewed in 10 countries at the moment and that’s incredibly cool so salamat, grazie, merci, danke, gracias, and thank you, I hope I continue making posts that interest you a little regardless of what country you’re in.

For me, it’s that time of year again… some of us are already back and school and some of us (like me), are desperately clinging to the last few days of freedom before we dive back into school work and revision for exams.  The back to school season has commenced and summer is slowly becoming a distant memory.

Usually, by the end of the summer I can’t wait to go back to school.  It’s not because I particularly want to go to lessons and wake up at 6am and have homework… but rather due to the fact by this point I’m generally bored of summer and want to get back to doing something.  However this year, I kind of don’t want to go back.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not because I hate school of anything, but it’s recently occurred to me that I’m going into my final year of school ever.  I mean yeah, I plan to go to Uni, but Uni and school aren’t exactly the same thing, and they don’t have the same feel at all, so this is my last first day of school ever again…  And that absolutely terrifies me.

A couple weeks ago, I watched the entirety of One Tree Hill from beginning to end (as you do) and the final episode really stuck with me.  Obviously, part of that was because it was the final episode, but a lot of it was due to what Nathan said at the beginning of the episode.

“It’s the oldest story in the world, one day you’re 17 planning for someday, and then quietly, and without you ever really noticing, someday is today and then someday is yesterday and this is your life.”

I like change (from time to time…), and I like new things, but one thing I don’t like is saying goodbye.  And in retrospect, this year is gonna be nothing but a year of goodbyes.  Goodbye to the unnecessarily long first day assembly, goodbye to the “what did you do all summer” conversations… With every day that goes by, there’s one less day of being a schoolchild, and we’re all one day closer to being classed as an adult.

In my lifetime I’ve been to a total of 5 schools, which is a lot more than I should have been to at my age, however it means that technically I should be used to the whole goodbye thing by now.  However this one is a lot different.  Prior to this year, whenever I’ve left a school, I’ve known that eventually I’m gonna end up in another school; It will be different, but at least it will be a school.  However this time next year, we’ll all be preparing to go to different places.  The people that I’m the closest to at the moment, the people that I’m used to spending at least five days a week with, will be scattered across the country… hours away from me.  This is the last year of teachers caring about whether I show up to my lessons or not, caring about when I hand in my homework.  This is the last year where all the responsibility isn’t piled on my shoulders.

So, (at the risk of sounding incredibly cliché), if like me you’re going into your final year of school, remember that your days as a schoolchild are numbered.  School may not be the most entertaining thing in our lives, but it’s where we’ve grown up, made some of our best friends, and learnt a lot more than academic stuff.  School is responsible for a lot of the things that make us who we are.  School shaped us.  And soon we have to say goodbye to it.

Read, comment, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember, we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!

Accelerated Ageing…

Growing up has always been one of those things I wanted to do.  5 year old me couldn’t wait to be 10, 10 year old me couldn’t wait to be 16, and 16 year old me couldn’t wait to be 18.  And yet, now I’m 2 weeks away from being an adult I wish I could cling on to my childhood and my life of no responsibility and a billion second chances.  But as much as I wish it, I can’t.  We’re all growing up, maturing whether we can feel it or not. 

I’ve just come back from a week at a summer school, pretending to go to University for a week.  It was great; I made amazing friends, actually improved my French skills and confidence immensely, even explored activities I wouldn’t usually explore.  But I’d be lying if I said that the whole experience didn’t terrify me a little… (Or a lot…)

You see, at the end of the week we had this “mini graduation” ceremony.  It was amazingly cute; we got gowns, scrolls, a ceremony, the whole shebang… and I couldn’t help but feel extremely old.  I mean, yeah, I was only playing a Uni student for a few moments, but at one point I looked at the people around me, and the hall I was in and the scroll I was clutching and I remembered where I was this time a year ago.

I feel exactly the same, but it’s not until I look at what I’ve done in the last school year that I realise how much I’ve actually changed.  I went away from home, four hours away from home, by myself to a summer school where I knew absolutely no one.  I had no friends by my side, no family, and a year ago that would have absolutely terrified me.  This time last year no way would I have written a blog!  This time last year I wouldn’t have let my closest friends read anything that I’d written at all.  Last summer I vowed to do so much, but the odds are this time last year I was lounging on a sofa, thinking about what the next year would bring and binging on Netflix.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve still watched a ridiculous amount of Netflix this summer.  However, I’ve also gone out and done work experience, written an academic essay, hung out with my friends, done 2 summer schools and applied for and started a part-time job.  It only began occurring to me when I looked at that scroll in my hand, that without even trying to I’ve grown older and I’ve matured.  I don’t feel very different at all, and I think often as teenagers we discredit ourselves and believe that we haven’t made any progress at all.  I’m pretty sure, regardless of your age, if any of you look back and what you’d done a year ago and what you’ve done now, you’ll realise that you’ve done a lot more than you give yourself credit for.

Even if it’s nothing physical, look at the person you were a year ago compared to the person you are now.  Are you more confident?  More reserved?  More self-assured?  More mature?  I guarantee you there will be something.

We should be proud of the people that we’ve become, but we should never forget the people that we’ve come from.  As sung in one of my favourite musicals: “There’s pride in my heart because I know where I’m going, but I know where I’ve been”.  Never forget the spirit you had as a 10 year old, or that ridiculous confidence you had when you were 5.  Hold on to it all.  Use it to grow.  Let it help mould you.

Yeah, we’re ageing.  But that doesn’t mean we still can’t be kids from time to time.   

Read, comment, and don’t take anything personally.  Remember, we’re all still forming opinions.  Byeeeee!